I’m Brick Tamland….Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48

Quite a few things have changed in my life again.  I am currently not working, again, and have changed my mind, yet again, about being a teacher.  So now I am applying for any job I can find in a school, minus crossing guard and lunch lady, but only because I don’t want to be Billy Madison’s stigma of a sloppy joe slinging lunch lady…

Anyway, I’ve been trying to find a nice medium between being a completely boring and unsure party and an over zealous, turret enthused psycho in my interviews as of late.  I had an awesome interview with a nice principal today who started off by saying there were no “right answers”, we were just going to have a conversation, if you will, and determine if I am the best fit for the job, and the job is the best fit for me.  It seemed quite refreshing to me at the time, then the conversation began.
brickHe began explaining the position, RTi experience, technology, keeping data records, AIMS Web testing etc. all of which I am well versed in.  The problem is I can’t find a happy medium between enthusiasm and confidence and looking a wee bit too crazy.  At several points I wanted to be like Brick Tamland and scream out, “I love lamp” or “LOUD NOISES!” because we were talking about things that I was good at, wanted to get more experience in, and I would actually have confidence in doing.


Principal: This position would require the candidate to have extensive computer skills with experience in AIMS Web testing and…

Me: Computers! I love computers! That’s ME!  I can do that, I have experience, I’m SO super psyched right now!!!

Principal: Um, ok. Well this position would be working with small groups, collaborating with teachers, and ….

Me: Oh My God. I LOVE working with other teachers and with kids in small groups.  I’m gonna pee my pants!

Principal: Yes, well, anyway, you would be required to work with tier II students and assess them bi-weekly, keeping track of the data and …

Me: DATA!!!!

Principal: Wow, ok. So, what do you know about math?

Me: LOVE IT!!!! I sit around all day working on math problems and then when my daughter gets home I work with her on her math, even if there isn’t any homework in math that night.  She loves it, I mean I love it, WE ALL LOVE IT!!!!

Principal: You must really love math…



This isn’t really how the interview went, but in my head this was the only way I could think of conveying my interest and how well I felt I could fit into this position, aside for the “Yes, exactly, and frantic head bobbing I know I do when I’m interviewing for a position I know I would excel at.

Truth is I suck at interviews.  Give me the job description, tell me to plan out how I would execute said job, and then present it while having an in depth discussion about said methods and I can knock your pants off.  Give me something to explore and research and I can talk semantics all day.  I can PROVE I could do this job, but talking my self up and explaining my strong points, well, it’s just not my strong suit. Ask me how I would do something (that I’m knowledgable about) and I’m your girl.  That’s always what I want to say, “Look no further, I’m your girl.” But, alas, it doesn’t work that way.  So instead, I fumble through answers, because it’s been about a year – year and a half since I’ve been in the classroom, and let’s be honest, my last year in the classroom I was pretty incoherent and honestly my memory is pretty shot since I don’t recall much of my life pre-situation.  But one can hope for the best, and if they keep calling, I’ll keep interviewing…. maybe not Brick Tamland style, but I’ll give it my best…

Dammit Jim!

Who said that? This guy…                          McCoy (Photo credit: The Rocketeer)

I work with a guy whose name is Jim.  I can’t tell you how many times I have left for the night and said, “Night Jim,” when I think it would be so much more awesome to say, “Dammit Jim, I’m a teacher, not an architect!” I think of the “Dammit Jim” line each and every night when I leave work, and I have to say I chalk it up to the stupid things that have stuck with me from my marriage.  As we speak I’m filing this in my memory bank under “useless things I picked up while married to my ex”. These and more are the random idiosyncrasies I have learned through spending eight years with a man.  I would have to say, even today, I am still a Star Trek fan, I love stupid movies like Anchorman, and Happy Gilmore, and get super psyched when I have the opportunity to use a quote from said movies.

It makes me wonder how many other of these quirks have stuck with me that make me seem odd or crazy. I have begun to realize that I’m just odd normally. I think, anyway.  I get all flustered when I have to talk to other people or socialize, and I only really appreciate spending time with close friends, because hey, they know all of this about me and they still hang out with me.  It makes me think that I probably won’t broaden my horizons much more than I have to this point.  It’s just too painful and awkward. So, to those of you who are already my friends, settle in and get ready for the long haul! You’re in it with me – sorry… 😉

And that’s kind of how my life is like the seven degrees of Kevin Bacon…

Strange things this week.  I have this new job, I may have mentioned it.  It was a bit more stressful for me this week.  Yesterday two hours were spent with a co-worker(more like my co-boss) crunching numbers, amounts and percents.  I’m pretty sure I blacked out a time or two, like I had a seizure or something. My brain couldn’t take that much information in at one time.  I’ve struggled getting back into the groove of working, as well as working in a completely new field. It brings back horrible nightmares about the time I worked for the lawyer, but that’s another story from another time. Let’s just say I worry daily about not doing the best job I can and messing lots of important stuff up.  It’s a self-esteem issue, we all got em, don’t act like you don’t.

Anyway, working again has also had this strange effect on me again. I have once again become more methodical in how I do things. Maybe not methodical, but efficiently, quickly.  Get from point A to point B, in the fastest way possible.  A milestone hit me tonight and I didn’t realize it at first. I was shopping in a store for my niece’s birthday present (methodically or efficiently of course) and I happened to turn around and see my ex in one of the baby aisles (with his new wife and baby, I presume. I didn’t look that closely). He said hi, I said, “Hey, how’s it going?” and then promptly turned around and walked away.  This is HUGE for me because just months ago I would have had an antagonizing argument with myself in my head, probably hemmed and hawed around talking or whatever, and left feeling like pond scum.  How easy was it for me, in mere seconds, say to myself, “Huh, whatever…” Maybe not even that. Maybe it was just  like I had run into someone I once knew and you nod in acknowledgement and move on.

I questioned whether my reaction had more to do with the fact that he just doesn’t affect me any longer, or if working has once again instilled the, “get from point A to point B as quickly and efficiently as possible” effect, and quite frankly, he doesn’t fit into the formula that gets me to my destination quickest any longer. Not that he would get me there quicker, just that I don’t have the time to stand around and lament about what it is I think was so great about what I lost.

A realization: he no longer affects me.  I mean, he does when it comes to the girls, because I want whats best for them and I want them to be loved and appreciated for who they are, not who they are expected to be. But to the extent of me being who I am now? No longer does he affect me.  In the wake of everything I went through, I was torn down to a shell of the bare minimum of myself.  And while I may not be completely whole yet, I’m being rebuilt day by day. And when I’m done, I will be a completely different person. Maybe not to those who know me or those who have followed along on this fucked up trip of mine, but there will be a striking difference to those who drift in and out of my life at will. Because now, I will never let them see the real me again. I will only let them see what I want them to see. The one who is moving on with her life despite them.

What the hell just happened….?

So I’ve started working full-time this week and it’s really kicking my ass. Getting up at 5:45, getting one kid ready to go to daycare before 7:00AM, and getting home just in time for dinner really limits the energy by the end of the day. I don’t know how you people do it. Funny thing though, I’ve begun to remember who I am and what I do again.  On Wednesday my parents were gone. I fed and bathed both children (ok, it was McDonald’s for dinner, but whatever…), put all of our clothes away, sorted everyone’s laundry, and cleaned up our area of the house, all after an hour of choir practice from 6-7! I remember thinking a few months ago that it would be virtually impossible for me to work full-time, raise two kids, and get everything done that I needed to get done at home and still be standing at the end of the day. But look at me, still flat on my own two feet.

I have told my bff before after cleaning her house that I’m pretty sure it’s like Lord of the Flies at her house on the weekends, especially those I’m not there to keep them in line.  I may be retracting that statement after a week back working full-time(minus one day.  Come on, you gotta work me into it slowly…I’ve been out of commission for quite a while now…). I can TOTALLY see how your home can seem demolished after four days back at work. (What the hell, one day back at work…). So consider this my public apology, but not an excuse.

I am enjoying my job and love the family I work for.  I am learning new things each day and that really keeps me motivated.  Some days I have bouts of ADD, and I sit there overstimulated from all of the information I have taken in, or bounce between three different things before I pull back to myself and remind myself that I need to work on one thing and get it finished and then move on to the next… the routine and getting back into professional life may take me a bit. But there it is, that’s where I have been if you’re wondering, and if you haven’t whatever, I don’t care – not in a mean way, I just don’t sit about thinking about who is thinking about me anymore… let’s face it, I’m just too damn tired! Happy thirteenth, and may the odds be ever in your favor! (Yes T, I stole that from you, who stole it from the HG!)

In my absence

I REALLY haven’t posted in a while and I have often thought about writing in the past few weeks, but every time I think I will try I just don’t. A lot of different things have been happening over the last few weeks and I’ve gotten a completely different look at myself, plus my “new” self who works and separates her personal life from her professional life. There are so many hard lessons we have to learn in our life, that at some point it all becomes about “me” and our own struggles and injustices we fight daily, that sometime we just have to sit back and stop thinking of ourselves. We have to go to work, make the kid’s lunches, have the brakes fixed on the car, change the oil, socialize with people we may not be comfortable socializing with, call people we don’t want to have to speak to personally, and be present in the lives of those we don’t spend much time thinking about because we are so wrapped up in our own lives.

I have often thought over the past few weeks of my new job how menial and insignificant the tasks are that I do each day.  Sometimes I feel like I’m back at the drawing board and I have had to start all over. But the people I work for are beautiful people, and they don’t make you feel that way.  It’s a group effort and everyone does important things, or the “crappy” tasks as well. Whether they want me to feel welcome, or really do like me, they make me feel like I fit in and I am making a difference in their lives, and that is nice. Especially coming out of the teaching profession where you have little input and control over the districts or schools you work in.

Maybe this new path in my life will lead me somewhere better, maybe it’s just a bridge to another opportunity. Either way, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts, because if there is one thing I have learned it’s that nothing lasts forever. So enjoy it while it’s here. 🙂