The art of being sick…

I have never been one to be good at being sick.  I try, really I do.  But I am the kind of person who will go in to the ER at midnight to get relief from what I know is strep throat, and be told it’s only really bad flu, to be called three-day later and be told, oops, sorry you have the flu AND strep throat, sorry. Exactly. I know my strep throat, bitches.  Don’t toy with me…

We have ALL been sick this week, beginning with Lainey, then Ella, and last but not least, me.  I didn’t really think it was strep until I got it, but when I woke up with the sore throat on Wednesday I knew what was the culprit.  Bad mom, I know.  Ella had to be the guinea pig. (Both of my children loathe strep swabs, but then again, I haven’t met anyone yet who was like, “Woo Hoo! Bring on the throat swab, bitches!!!”)  I took her in on Wednesday morning.  Of course she tested positive.  Luckily my doctor is just down stairs from the girl’s pediatrician so it wasn’t a stretch for me to go down and talk with the nurse.  Then I went to get Lainey from school (She had gone back Tuesday) and took her in for a quick swab, and of course, she had it too. Needless to say we were all home on Thursday.

I have a friend that cries on the second day of her period, like clock work. She doesn’t cry often, but when she does, you know.  I am like that when I get strep.  Today was that day.

First off I had to have an interview with the unemployment office, which is nerve-wracking enough.  But then they have very little information to offer,(i.e. when I might get paid…) which wouldn’t be a big deal if my auto loan weren’t in danger of default and I needed a payment by Wednesday, or, you know what will happen. I haven’t been paid since December, which really sucks, but I should expect it. It is  the state after all.  I shouldn’t pin all of my hopes and dreams on an institution that has grown famous for not following through on funding… (Coupled with the fact that I don’t manage my money worth a sh*t, and it was just Christmas…what can I say, I spoil my kids, but that gravy train is screeching to a halt…Pardon my French, but screw what they want.  I’m pretty sure they will want their mom to have a car to drive them to and fro…)

Regardless of all that gibber jabber, It’s time for me to get over whatever the hell it is that has plagued me for a year and a half and suck it up and find a job, anything as my friend Trisha puts it.  Wal-Mart for all the f*ck she cares, just do something. In her defense, apparently I really haven’t been like this all of my life.  I guess in the previous parts of my life I can no longer recall I was motivated, and according to her and my ex, although I may not have been motivated in the household duty area for some time at the end there, I was always motivated when it came to teaching, or work, or whatever else.

So, yes,today I cried. There is not a lot of sympathy when one has children and you get sick.  I can only imagine what it is like to be sick with no children.  I tried to see if dad wanted to take them for part of the weekend, but to no avail.  (Not that I necessarily blame him, we were suppose to go out-of-town to see my brother and his family and had switched up visitation because of it… so I know it’s not his fault that they made other plans…) But still… it was just the icing on the cake.  So I cried.  I was totally expecting a FULL recovery today, but alas, it did not come.  I’m not even sure I should hope it might come tomorrow, but damn it would be nice.  Apparently illness and depression don’t work well together.  I’m also not sure how much longer my liver, or whatever other body part, will be able to function at the rate I have been taking Tylenol and IB profen. Seriously, they should just give me vicatin and forget it.  I don’t do well with feeling like razor blades are permanently housed in my throat, but I guess that’s what I got.  So I’ll live with it…. sorry to be such a downer, but gawd, I had to vent….

My Life as a Musical

Have I mentioned before that I think it would totally rock if my life were like a musical? Not like High School Musical musical, but more like Glee, though cooler… When I mention this to my friend she’s always like, “Um, how is your life not like a musical already? You break out into spontaneous song constantly.” Yeah, but it would be cool if EVERYONE would burst into spontaneous song, together, and on key… and DANCING… I would be able to dance and we would all just dance around and sing all day…

We use to sing a lot at my old job.  One of my friends and I would even pick songs of the day.  I just want MORE of it.  Have you ever noticed that there is a song for just about every situation?  It’s true.  Tell me your situation and I will find a song for it… I just think if we could sing about everything life would be better for all of us. Think about it, we would all be able to express ourselves in some form or another through song, and music tends to relieve tension and frustration. If I were president or something, daily music would definitely be a HUGE part of my campaign.  I would probably tour the country singing my platform to everyone.  People may not agree with me, but it would be a catchy tune so they’d just be humming it all the time and then when they went to the polls to vote they would subconsciously choose me as their choice and I’d be a shoe in!!! It’s a good idea, just sayin’…

I am a…jellyfish.

Through a couple of thought-provoking conversations I’ve had over the week, I’ve come to the realization that there are few people who understand the type of person I am.  I am going to give you a small look into my world, but be advised, it may not make sense or seem rational to you. It will seem wimpy and whiny. It will make you look at us (or me) and think, “Get yourself together girl! Seriously, stop letting people walk all over you!” But it’s a real picture of who we are.

We are called many things… peacekeepers, harmonizers, people-pleasers, fixers, the list is quite extensive.  You probably have met one of us and not even known it, or quite possibly, acknowledged it.  We boost your ego and make you feel self-important. We work to make you happy, even at our own expense.  We make you comfortable and make your life smooth flowing. Even if you’ve treated us horribly, we will go to desperate measures at times to be accepted by you. We have an undying desire to be loved unconditionally, to be praised for our efforts, and most of all, to have harmony and peace in our lives, but more importantly, with others.

We are often contradictory in our behavior because our inner mind is at war between creating happiness and peace for others, and fulfilling our own needs and validating our self-worth.  Yet, sadly, we have very little self-worth left at the end of the day.  We spend so much time trying to make others  happy or validating them, that at the end of the day there is very little left for us.  We can continue in this manner for so long, and then finally, reach a breaking point.  We will try to assert ourselves, but at this point, in our minds, we have made you so superior to ourselves, that  if you dismiss us when we try to gain something for ourselves or when we ask for acceptance or recognition of our needs and desires, we will immediately back down and feel our thoughts and feelings are not as important and we don’t matter.  And so, we learn to push our emotions or needs and wants down deep inside, telling ourselves that you are, in fact, superior.  That if we assert ourselves and ask for what we need, the result will be that we are shown that our needs or thoughts are not valid. That we are not worthy of the things  that we ourselves give to others.

Whether you know it or not, you have learned how to acclimate yourself to this type of person.  Many of you have learned how to get what you want out of us. This is not saying you are mean, or without kindness, just that you are an assertive person who knows what you want out of the world and others, and we are not.  Some people are narcissists, and have learned to manipulate us, and believe me, with us, it’s not hard to do.  These people can have us caught in their traps so quickly that our heads are spinning and we are tied to them before we know it. They know just how to make us feel secure and warm fuzzy, and when we are confident enough to think that we might have the upper-hand, we are dealt with a blow so breath-taking it knocks us back down to the ground.  Then we give double what we gave before, just to gain back more of the harmony we lost from our carelessness.

We can become very bitter people, but still believe in a rose-colored world.  As a result, many of us gain a sarcastic humor to our personality.  We surround ourselves with very few people, and rarely venture beyond that circle.  It is not uncommon for us to occasionally reach beyond our circle to gain some self confidence back, but not on a regular basis, and certainly not if we don’t have a common connection with the other people. If you have hooked us, it is very hard for us to slip from your grasp. We can easily be pulled back in.  You might call us gullible or an invertebrate, but it is difficult for us to cut ties with others because we still believe that someday, somehow, we will gain your recognition and acceptance.

This all sounds depressing, as if we are jellyfish, meaning, we have no backbone and allow others to walk all over us.  I tell you truly, that is not our desire.  We are dreamers, and wish for a world that is a better place. We understand reality. The real world. The way people work. But it is our own selfish desire to be more to others that causes us to continue in an endless pursuit. Maybe it’s because we cannot fulfill our self worth on our own. Maybe it’s because we have put so many others on a high pedestal and we can’t see the good qualities that WE possess. I do know that one day I hope I am able to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am a good and decent person whose thoughts and feelings are as important as anyone else’s, that I am not a selfish and bad person for wanting unconditional love and occasional acknowledgement that I am right, and that no matter what, I love MYSELF unconditionally. And that’s all that matters…

 

My Grown Up Christmas List

So, something on the lighter side, I’ve decided to write a personal wish list for Santa this year.  Hopefully he won’t find it too precocious of me to ask for all that I am.  I can do with just a few things, or one, or all… whatever he feels I’ve earned this year…

  • I would like new breaks for the van, also some new tires, an alignment and rotation would be nice, also heated seats… um, geesh, this is getting pretty complicated… how about just getting me a new car?  That might be easier…
  • My own personal version of myself, the one who goes to other people’s homes and cleans it up the way I would like my own home cleaned (or the way I have in the past)… but one that came everyday to clean up after everyone in the house… and for free.
  • Ohhh, oh… my own house would be great, but without the house payment… that would be bad…
  • How about a job?  This might be easier considering I could then take care of all of the other above requests… but please make it something I would like and would look forward to doing everyday, and something that has a hefty paycheck to support above requests… and also something that doesn’t go against my personal moral judgement…
  • A tummy tuck and boob job would be nice, you know, just a booster for my self-esteem… clean up the rough spots, make me look presentable… because then  I could maybe catch a sugar daddy like I’ve been talking about, and again, this list would become irrelevant.
  • A new wardrobe, one that fits nicely and follows Trisha’s criteria of “appropriate” office attire…

Not to sound too selfish, I will add some stuff in here that isn’t for me…

  • Yearly wardrobes for the girls in the appropriate sizes, preferably outfits that have cute coordinating pieces, and cute accessories so my kids don’t look like rag-a-muffins anymore…
  • Gifts for all of the other people in my life besides the girls, because they are really the only ones I bought for this year, and they probably aren’t going to be too happy because it’s not quite up to the same standards of years past, in which case I would like the gift of appreciation for them so they can accept graciously what they do receive…

That should about cover it… oh, the most important, I almost forgot!  World peace and an end to hunger… and for an end to assholishness.  That would be really awesome.  And some karma… that’d be cool too… I’d better stop now… thanks, and I love you, I’m really a big fan… I’ll stop kissing ass now, no really….

This is not for the faint at heart….or those who can’t tolerate someone peeing their pants…

So I thought I might write about my first day of substitute teaching, but it was fairly uneventful and all went well.  Lucky for me, it’s the girl’s weekend at their dad’s, so this means another fun weekend with my friend Trisha and her family.

I’m going to disclose some pretty embarrassing shit that went down this evening, so take heed when reading this.  And don’t judge me…

Trisha and I planned on going to see Breaking Dawn Part 1 tonight so after dropping the girls off I headed over to her house, where much to her dismay her child dazzled me with his mad math skills.  She told him it was called “humility” and he should learn it.  This coming from the girl who constantly insists she’s right, even when she’s wrong (and yes, she would say she’s always right and so why shouldn’t she point out the obvious…).  Anyhow, after dinner we were sitting watching TV with JR and the boys and the youngest starts shaking this little side table they have like a madman gone berserk.  I started laughing, and then he started actually MOVING it across the floor.  Meanwhile, Trisha is telling me not to laugh at him because it only encourages it, which makes me laugh harder, but with me trying to hide my face…

For those of you who know me, when I get going laughing it becomes a “Dom Deluise” type of laugh where I start wheezing air out my throat, followed by an intense, uncontrollable cough. What happened next is in no way pretty, but when you have had two children things start to go awry … and I peed my pants.  This is like T – 20 minutes to movie time mind you.  I’m all like, “I just peed my pants!” and Trisha is all like, “That is something I don’t want to know about, so stop telling me !” Now I didn’t tell her until after we were on our way home from the movie, but I actually got a “wet spot” on my jeans from that one… Yes, JR, I had a wet spot, and I sat on your couch… (Don’t worry, I’m sure I will be cleaning it tomorrow…)

So we go to see the movie, all well and good. As we are pulling out of the parking lot Trisha starts bitching at me because she couldn’t find something and proceeds to call me a TWAT.

“God, you twat!”

SERIOUSLY???? Who even says that anymore? Call me a p*ssy, the “c” word, whatever, but TWAT? Really, and she gives ME a hard time…

THEN… we start talking about my P.E. sub job today.

She asked me if I wore the obligatory wind breaker pants and I replied, “NO, I wore my khakis!” She asked if I wore my polo shirt tucked in to them and I responded, “No, I wore this…” I was wearing a long sleeve shirt with my St. Jude sweatshirt over the top.

Now, here I am thinking I did all great wearing nice khakis, but no, she gets all pissy* and starts yelling at me because I didn’t dress up for my first sub position!

“You wore a HOODIE to your first sub job???”

” IT WAS P.E.!!!!!! The other sub came in her spandex pants for crying out loud!”

She replied, “Oh, and she has a full-time job does she?”

I said, “No I’m pretty sure she’s retired…”

“And so she has a full-time job?”

Crap, I believe I can’t win with that girl… It’s like trying to win your parents love and respect, and no matter what you do you’re wrong.

“And what did you wear? Your tennis shoes?”

“YES!”

“Oh my God…”

“IT WAS FREAKING P.E.!!!!!!!”

“I don’t care, you should have dressed nicely!”

“What? So you’re telling me I should have gone dressed to the nines in my high heels? What if I wanted to join in and be an interactive teacher. You know, run with them and shit?”

“Did you?”

“No”.

She didn’t say it, but it was implied, “I rest my case”.

I guess I’ll know if she’s right if I never get called back to sub there…

So then that’s when we started talking about the “wet spot” and SHE started laughing uncontrollably.  She insists that I have a SERIOUS problem because she has two children as well and NEVER has that problem… Well, you have other problems my friend, but I’m nice so I won’t air your dirty laundry here. But I know you know I know, so there.

We decided NOT to tell JR and let him read it here… Sorry! But no one knows of my “Dom Deluise” laugh better than JR… seriously… It’s like a past time of his to make fun of me about it… So, really, he should have expected it…

PS * (hmm, funny, spell check doesn’t recognize this word, put gives me “pussy” as one of the possible choices. Weird, yet interesting fact…)

PSS – Next time I sub in P.E. I’m wearing my wind breaker pants, a button down blouse, and high heals, with my pearls… How you like them apples?

I am an ass…

I had an epiphany this morning. Apparently I am an ass because I felt that I should get a pass on actually having to be accountable for my actions, or non-actions as they may be. For the past year I have not been holding myself accountable for the things I need to be doing as a person to continue to maintain my integrity. I suppose I would give myself a pass up until about May of last year, but anything beyond that I really should have been getting my shit together and carrying on like the 35 year old adult I am.

By no means am I past my strange experiences from this past year, but I have to ask myself, how many others are so much worse off than I am? And using the poor job market as an excuse doesn’t count… I could sub, or work at McDonalds for that matter.

I suppose I have been dragging my feet because I feel like my next choices are going to be the one’s that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, but if my experiences from this past year have taught me anything, it should be that at anytime I can pick up and change direction if I want to. That is a loaded statement and I could rationalize SO much with it, but that’s for another post…

So, I will sub. I need to figure out what I will do with Lainey in the morning and getting her to school, and find someplace for Ella to go on short notice when necessary. But I will do it, because so many other people are in more worse predicaments than I.

Thanks to those of you who gave me the wake up call I needed to stop dragging ass. I’m not saying it won’t happen again, but at least I’ve figured it out for the moment.

Originally titled as ’10 weird things that can make me emotional…” now changed to ‘My lack of follow through is paralyzing…”

I am having an incredibly difficult time following through lately.  Example, last night I started to blog about things that make me emotional or fire me up and only got to number 2 (although note I DID number to 4). I get all of these great ideas but then I can’t follow through.  My natural side would want to analyze this, thinking there is some deeper meaning to my lack of being able to follow through, but I can’t even follow through on that….

So I found this funny picture on the Internets that expresses my lack of motivation. Enjoy.

You can't even begin to imagine how true this is....

And the beginning of my earlier post. I WILL finish it someday, I WILL…

My earlier post today was a bit of a rant, and I apologize for that.  It got me to thinking of strange things that work me up or make me emotional.  I’m an odd duck, so some of these may seem weird, but hey, that’s me…

(In no specific order…)

1. The movie Bridesmaids. Yes. I cried. Like a baby…

2. When kids don’t work to their full potential.

3.

4.

Yep, it’s a full moon…

Have you ever noticed when there is a full moon everyone and thing is more crazy?  At dinner tonight the kids were being freakishly crazy. I look at my dad and say, “Oh yeah, there’s a full moon, right?” Why does this happen?  I know when I was a teacher, the kids at school always got an extra dose of crazy in them.

I took Ella to the library today and she was just running around like she had never been in a library before, yelling, grabbing 500 books off the shelves…

Is it the pull of the moon on the earth? Increased gravity from the pull of the moon?  This is one of life’s mysteries I’m willing to take the time to research because it affects me each time it comes around. It’s annoying, and unpredictable…

Even their dad called this afternoon which is strangely uncharacteristic of him to just want to call and talk with them (because, hey, conversations with them on a regular day are devilishly difficult, let alone talking on the phone with them where five million things could easily distract them and then you have no idea what’s going on, or, you don’t know if they’ve just set the phone down somewhere randomly and wandered away…)

These are the thoughts I sit around and think of lately…. I suppose my mood has been altered based on the full moon. At least that’s what I’m going to say it’s attributed to, until next week when I have to come up with another excuse.  But hey, at least I’m consistent in my inconsistencies..

Did you know it’s National Mental Illness Week?

So I just read this post by the Bloggess about National Mental Illness Week called “No one makes a card for this. But they should“.  She actually made her own card for it and everything, which is totally fucked up, but yes, I want someone to send me one.  You can find it at her shop. Go take a look, you may want to buy in bulk for next year… She also posted a site you can go check out your mental health, and because I’m me, I checked it out.

Apparently from my screening I’m at risk for depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress syndrome, but I’m safe from alcohol abuse, eating disorders and bipolar disorder.  Apparently I’m also safe from adolescent depression, but only by default… Hmm, this is a good week for me.

Everybody needs a ‘Sugar Daddy’

I need a sugar daddy.  Not the candy. Someone who can help me out financially.  It would be a one-sided deal as I’m not very inclined to do for the opposite sex lately. But, if I were to write an advertisement, it would read:

Needed: Sugar Daddy. Low maintenance, high paying job, willing to fund my current and future lifestyle. No I will probably not make out with you, unless you are extremely good-looking.  If you are a gay man, all the better, I can be your “girlfriend” until you are ready to come-out to your friends and family (or if you are a conservative politician 😉 ).  Must be willing to attend social events and high-class functions. Also must be good with children and animals.

I’m not sure what high-class functions we would be attending, but it’s always good to err on the side of caution.

Bottom line: I am a horrible money manager.  I know all of the tricks and trades to finding money when there is none, but some of them are not legal and other’s will just plain get you into trouble.  That coupled with the fact I have no job and have been dragging my feet to apply to sub = I’m broke. The afore-mentioned tricks can no longer be used, hence, I need a sugar daddy.

Honestly, if you have money burning a hole in your pocket, you are more than welcome to send it my way.  Or if you have a job to offer I am totally willing to work for it. It would make things a lot easier than bringing a man into the mix.  I would really rather not have to go there, but if I must, I will.

P.S. One of my Facebook friends told me when posting “I need a sugar daddy…” I need to be more specific (ie am I talking about a man or the candy) because you could end up with some “effed up stuff in your mailbox”. So if you want to send cash or check, that works too. And if you know of any willing or available sugar daddies, send them my way. Hey, it can’t hurt to ask…