Like if you root for the underdog (and by underdog, I mean me…)

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and articles from women who have gotten divorced in the past couple of years, and I have to tell you, I’m a little bummed out.  All of these women are talking about how two years out of it they feel so free and amazing and great, and I don’t particularly.  Not trying to sound bitter or spoiled, I have learned to actually like life again, it’s just not all rockets and single-hood awesomeness.  Let’s face it, I’m still living in my parent’s basement with my two children, I do have a job, so that’s a plus, but some days I feel like I’m working in an office that speaks a foreign language, I have no money, and spend it like, well, not as bad as I use to, but there is still vast room for improvement.

I’m not sure if it’s just my personality working against me, or my perpetual depression, but I can get really excited in the short run about life, but after a while the sparkle wears off and I’m right back wondering what the point is again.

I’m still rooting for me though.  A few months back, I said to my family, “Don’t you always just want to root for the underdog?”, to which my mom replied, “No, no not really.”

Well that kind of burst my bubble a bit, but I still haven’t changed my personal view.  I think we should root for the underdog.  Maybe it’s the Cub fan in me, but I still believe that an underdog can succeed because someone does root for them.  All it takes is a little belief from others and big stuff can happen, probably, I mean maybe, or not in my lifetime, but eventually, right?  (Because now I’m thinking in terms of the good ole’ Cubbies…and I have to be realistic, it might not ever happen in my lifetime, but maybe my kid’s lifetime?)

Anyway, I think we are supposed to root for the underdog. Who are we to judge someone else?  Why are they any less likely to succeed than the rest of us?  Just because they are different? Or because life’s circumstances have dictated otherwise?  Aren’t we all capable of something?  Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Wow, that really puts it into perspective for me. Now I just have to find out what my genius is.  And a little rooting for the underdog wouldn’t help either, so if you’re rooting, you could “like” this post.  😉

Awkward

Phone booth on Lidgett Park Road, Leeds.
This is the phone booth I would be calling you from right now… [Phone booth on Lidgett Park Road, Leeds. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)]

Awkward… that’s how I would describe this.  Like, forgetting a phone call or text from a friend, and then remembering, but not wanting to respond right away so you avoid it a bit longer, but then it becomes awkward because you’ve dismissed it so long and you’re afraid that your friend will be mad at you so you avoid it even more, and then one day you’re out and you run into said friend…. that’s what this is. Awkward.

I was on a roll for so long, writing about all of the crazy backwardslandness in my life, but now I’m at that impasse in my life when I’m standing on the precipice of figuring it all out,(well some of it anyway) and I don’t want to jinx it with my perpetual absurdness… Yes, as much as I would like to say that it’s actually everyone AROUND me that is perpetually absurd, I fully admit I am responsible for some of the absurdness… not ALL of it though. There are some pretty “backwards” people around you know.

I don’t even know who read this crap anyway… maybe no one, or just you stalkers who like to talk about that crazy girl who likes to rant and argue with herself on that so-called blog of hers, or my friends who want to roll their eyes at me and say, “You know…”.   Or maybe a lot of you do, who knows.  But, the original sole purpose of this blog was for me to write for myself, and maybe along the way, find other people who can bask with me in the perpetual absurdness of life. If not, then it was to be a therapeutic exercise to discover self realization, and that’s what I’m aiming to do here again.  I’m going to write.  Like at least two times a week, maybe just one, but nevertheless, I will write with more regularity so I can continue to “figure it all out” so to speak. If you would like to come along for the ride, I invite you whole-heartedly. Please, come to the table and share in the mutual absurdities of life, we will all be the better because of it. Or just realize we live around some f*cked up people, but hey, that’s entertaining too!

So until next time,

Perpetuallyabsurd

You know that time…

You know how you can be going along after a really bad spell in life, and be like “It’s going good, keep going, you’re great, you’re awesome, you can do this, whew, the worst part is over…” and then all of a sudden WHAM! Reality smacks you square in the face? It’s not even a horrible thing, just a minor change in your normal routine, or doing something stupid at work, or missing a couple of days of your meds.  (What? I didn’t say that. That didn’t happen. I would NEVER do that. Well,  maybe.)

All of a sudden everything seems horrible, and the smallest thing becomes the biggest thing in your head.  Like messing up at work.  You are probably harder on yourself than anyone else ever could be.  You are dramatic and irrational in your head. (Yes, it’s only in your head, don’t make the crazies come out and set you straight.) You have yourself fired or leaving your job because you will NEVER be able to be good at it. Your children ignore you when you see them at a softball game after being away from you for a weekend. Your horrible, you should just give up now.  You will never be able to save any money, or achieve any of your life goals. You’ll never get a house and you’ll be living at Shady Acres retirement home with your parents when you’re 50.

All the while you have five other people arguing with you in your head.  Or not arguing, trying to “talk you off of the ledge” so to speak.  It’s not really that bad, it was your first time doing that particular task, you’re bound to make some mistakes.  Next week your routine will be back to the usual, it’s not like you’ll never see your friend again, or you’ll be stuck at home until you retire. Your kids are kids, get over it… Seriously, keep moving forward. It’s fine, it’s fine. And for God’s sake take your meds! Everyday!

Yeah, I don’t really know what that’s like either….er, yeah, I mean no, no I don’t know what that’s like…

It’s times like these when I begin to realize just how important medication is…

Yay meds!

So, I’m doing really well lately.  It’s pretty exciting.  I LOVE my new job, it’s exciting and I’m learning new things all of the time, and I’m finding some of my self-worth again.  I love the people I work with and am so thankful I took this leap of faith. I can honestly look back at that shadow of a girl I was and say goodbye. GOODBYE. But I’ve also realized that I can say goodbye to bitter feelings I have for those I was angry with for so long. Can I forgive them? Yes. I can honestly say I was a bitch to be around and not handling my shit well, but I don’t blame myself.  It was some pretty messed up shit that only got crazier as time went on.  But I realize I am not blameless in everything that happened.  I could have handled things differently and I could have hidden my raw emotion a bit better. But then hindsight is always 20/20. I was in a toxic situation all around and am a better person today for getting out of it, whatever way I was removed…

That being said, I have to say I am beginning to dream dreams again.  Pretty cool right? I still don’t want a man, because honestly they just complicate things and create more work for myself, and why would I need another one when I can do it all on my own and have everything I want in the process? (Don’t take your mind to the gutter…)

So I’m on this new goal kick. My new-found friend and employer is going to help me set some goals and actually meet them.  My dad is totally psyched as he said himself, “I just want you to finish something…”  He also likes this said new friend and employer of mine.  I’m not sure whether to be offended or not, but I’m not letting him be a killjoy on my dreams.  And yes, I fully intend to meet these goals, everything else be damned. Hahaha, maniacal laugh. Just kidding.

I just realized this all seems to make no sense as I am sitting here through this cantata practice of my child’s.  I think we will all be estatic when it’s over, tomorrow. And I know, I know, “What’s a cantata?” a musical. That’s what it is. A musical.  I’m done with your questioning … is it wrong that I’m having and imaginary conversation with you in my head right now?  I think it’s because I have my friends voice in my head, which yes, is really my voice Trisha! Shut it.  Geez I really should NOT be yelling at you right now because technically I’m having this argument myself. Sorry.  How did this perfectly nice post turn into a tyrannical rant? Sorry peeps. The new me still comes with meds. Yay meds!

Yes, God I know you’re still there…(ya ass…)

Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox from Batman Begins.
Yes, I picture God as Morgan Freeman, It just makes him that much more personable to me…               Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox from Batman Begins. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So some of you who follow me on a regular basis may remember a post I wrote months ago entitled, Irony is saying you don’t want to do something and then God calls and is all like oh yes you will. Well, just this week God once again peeked his little ol’ head back in, you know, just to remind me he IS still there…

Now, I really shouldn’t admit this, innocent as it is, but I’m going to, and then nobody is EVER going to mention it to me again. If you can’t follow this one rule, then stop reading right now….

Still here? (Mom, you’d better be long gone by now!!!!) Good.

So I stopped at the gas station Tuesday morning to fill up before I officially ran out of money, which I had some in my checking account, but probably not enough to cover filling it all of the way up. I had a check that I needed to deposit at lunch and so I figured I’d use one of my old tricks and write a check to fill it up and have the check in the bank by lunchtime.

Unfortunately, my worse nightmare came true, and the machine at the station wouldn’t take my check.  I have to tell you, I think I may have shit myself a little bit because my mom was out-of-town at a workshop and the only other person I could have called would have been my dad and that would have been BAD.  They ran it twice, but to no avail.  My bank is on the other side of town, so it’s not like I could have run and deposited the check and then ran back (if they even would have let me do that, which I don’t think they do anymore). Anyway, the girl was like, “Don’t you have a debit card?” I said yes, but I explained my dilemma about needing to deposit the check and said I didn’t know if the card would run through.  (In fact I was 100% sure it wouldn’t, because it never does.) I said she could try it, and what the hell?!?! It WORKED!!!! I was all like, “This is the BEST day of my entire life! I am so LUCKY!!!” The girl was all laughing at me and I left on cloud nine thinking, “God, ya had my back on that one, thanks! But really? That’s where you decide to pop your head in?”

I figured my support check or my refund on my school loans must have cleared my account early, but when I got to work and checked, there wasn’t even enough in there to cover the debit! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! Shit y’all, what the hell. It was God, like a nail in the coffin.  He’s such a kidder. Really, of all the things, but really, thanks God, I owe ya one!

Dammit Jim!

McCoy
Who said that? This guy…                          McCoy (Photo credit: The Rocketeer)

I work with a guy whose name is Jim.  I can’t tell you how many times I have left for the night and said, “Night Jim,” when I think it would be so much more awesome to say, “Dammit Jim, I’m a teacher, not an architect!” I think of the “Dammit Jim” line each and every night when I leave work, and I have to say I chalk it up to the stupid things that have stuck with me from my marriage.  As we speak I’m filing this in my memory bank under “useless things I picked up while married to my ex”. These and more are the random idiosyncrasies I have learned through spending eight years with a man.  I would have to say, even today, I am still a Star Trek fan, I love stupid movies like Anchorman, and Happy Gilmore, and get super psyched when I have the opportunity to use a quote from said movies.

It makes me wonder how many other of these quirks have stuck with me that make me seem odd or crazy. I have begun to realize that I’m just odd normally. I think, anyway.  I get all flustered when I have to talk to other people or socialize, and I only really appreciate spending time with close friends, because hey, they know all of this about me and they still hang out with me.  It makes me think that I probably won’t broaden my horizons much more than I have to this point.  It’s just too painful and awkward. So, to those of you who are already my friends, settle in and get ready for the long haul! You’re in it with me – sorry… 😉

I need an intervention…did I say intervention? I meant vodka. I need vodka…

Absolut Vodka.
Absolut Vodka. My Favorite (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ugh, I’m feeling fed up with my bad ass self. And I don’t mean bad in a good way. Bad in an “if I don’t get a make over intervention soon I may black out all of the mirrors in my house” kind of way. I know, I know, its all about how I perceive myself and if I put some effort blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhblhbhhhhh schmergidy schmergin,..shut it.  I’ve never been good at finding acceptable work clothes to wear or the art of putting on makeup nicely, or the art of doing my hair without becoming so enraged with it that I finally just cut it all off…. yeah that’s happened. And I don’t mean just cut it off. I meant shaved. Yep, twice.  So I figure, since I have financial limitations and look horribly put together, someone should enter me in one of those ‘what not to wear things’, or ‘weight loss magic and then we give you a make over’ contests! Oooo, and while we’re on the subject can we get that home make over show to come over and re-build me a house, or just build me a house? I’m pretty sure I have a GREAT story.  Anyone? Anyone?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. God helps those and all.. Maybe instead I just need a drink. Everything looks better after a drink right? Maybe I should just start slipping drinks to everyone around me and then they will think I look better!  Haha, problem solved. Thank you vodka, I knew I loved you…

Insecurity is a blue eyed devil.

Lately my posts have been fewer and farther between and it’s not for a lack of things to write about, it’s just lately I have so many things going through my head I’m afraid writing it all down would become a random jumble of incoherent nonsense that I couldn’t make heads or tails of it later.

Do you want to know the reason I continue to post on my blog?  (I feel like it’s a dirty secret <eye rolling>). I continue to write because it makes me feel good to look at my stats and see how many people have read my blog each day.  Isn’t that sad?

This is what my life has come to… low self-esteem sucks. And actually I’m no stranger to low self-esteem, blogging is just a new way I can feed the need for human interaction without having to interact with them face to face. Weird I know…

It’s not that I’m looking for attention, it’s that I want to know that someone hears me in this stupid world Or that I might be able to make a difference somewhere. Shut it Trisha.  I know, Liz and her idealistic thoughts, get use to the idea that the “man” is gonna always keep you down. It reminds me of a book Ella has called “Kitten Hide and Seek”, “What’s my name? Play the game….” Not that the “man” is a kitten, but that you just have to play the game.  Geesh, this isn’t making any sense.

I give Trisha a hard time, but I wonder, is it her in my head saying those things or me? Is this me growing up realizing that I’m never going to be important enough to make a difference, I’m meant for mothering two spoiled children that I have created to overcompensate for the horrible way I have handled my self over the past two years, and what they have had to go through.  That, honestly, they would probably rather be with their father where they can at least live in their own home, where it is somewhat reminiscent of their previous lives. Where they can have new clothes, and toys, and American Girl Dolls and Barbie Dream Houses and a baby sister.  That the only thing they will have to look forward with me is… what they see right now. Probably living in their grandparent’s basement, or in a cheap apartment, or rented home, jumping from school to school until their mother can finally get her act together. Just us, no frills, because mom is never going to be able to find a job she excels at, or earns good money at, or is successful at…

This sounds very depressing I know, and I honestly don’t go around thinking all of this all of the time, but there are moments when I let my happy facade down and think, “shit, this really is as good as it’s gonna get”. And not that it’s horrible, mind you, it’s not the path I would have chosen myself, but how often are we forced onto paths we haven’t chosen? And I know it’s about me and my motivation to succeed and survive, but still, there are questions, and uncertainties. Maybe this is just me working through the last bit of all of the bullshit I have waded through up to my armpits these past few years. Maybe it’s an empty question being sent out into nothingness. I don’t know, but I do know writing it down as a point of reference for a week, month, or years down the road will allow me to think “Jesus girl, what the hell?” But then be able to say to that insecure, unsure of herself girl, “It got better.”

I love it when other bloggers enable my crazy posts….

This week The Bloggess bought yet another taxidermied animal, dressed it up, gave it a name, and a shining persona.  She so politely gave her readership a copy of the photo to allow them to create their own “Jaunita” (click here to read her story) crazed photos, and so I took hold of the opportunity to create my own.

If you read my blog, you know about my side job as “The Family”s housekeeper.  Here are a few pics just to keep the ball rolling…

And just to be fair, here is one for “The Family” (I imagine The Family’s patriarch saying this, and yes, in this apron as well…)

Just a little fun to break up the monotony of an average Wednesday night…

I bet you didn’t know…

I was driving home from wherever it is I was today with Ella, and I was thinking about all of the stupid shit I have done in my life.  I mean really dumb stuff. Like there was the time when I was like 19 and I went out and bought a stick shift car, but I didn’t know how to drive a stick shift. Um, I had to call my dad and be like, “Dad? I bought a new car today. Would you mind going with me to pick it up and drive it home. Yeah, it’s a stick shift. No, I don’t know how to drive a stick shift. K, thanks.”

Then there was the time when I shaved my head, 1997 maybe? I would have been about 20 or 21.  Three months later was my brother’s wedding in which I was a bridesmaid.  I’m not really sure how my sister-in-law and I get along. I mean we get along, I just don’t know how she didn’t manage to kill me, or say something really mean to me, or do something equally horrifying to me at my own wedding.  Which, would have served me right for doing it to her, and for marrying the dork that I did… but that’s another stupid thing I did that would take a really long time to explain…

Then there were the times I would go out partying with friends and drive home. You know how you get halfway home and realize you have no idea how you got to the point where you were?  Yeah, I really hope my kids never do that shit.  I was SO stupid and I can’t believe sometimes I’m still alive…

Oh, oh… then there was the time I graduated from high school and thought I would go out and do something really great, better than what my brother did in college, or where he went, or what all of the other people I went to high school with were going to do with their lives, like teach… I went to Bradley University and majored in Chemistry, but dropped all of my chemistry classes by like the fourth week of school, and then the following semester dropped out after I had pledged a sorority and moved into the house and was on academic probation, and had changed my major to, you know it, education. Fun times, fond memories…

Then there was the time about a year and a half ago I shaved my head AGAIN, because I was teaching in a school with no air conditioning and got really hot one day and just decided to shave it all off.  That ended up in disaster with my then husband divorcing me (NOT due to the shaved head, at least I don’t think so…) and my losing my job six months later (also not due to the head shaving, or again, at least I don’t think so…)

Honestly those are just a few, but I bet they give you more than a little TMI about me to make to think twice when you run into me again… I am a dumb chick sometimes, but hey, it’s never a dull moment! Truth.