Strange things this week. I have this new job, I may have mentioned it. It was a bit more stressful for me this week. Yesterday two hours were spent with a co-worker(more like my co-boss) crunching numbers, amounts and percents. I’m pretty sure I blacked out a time or two, like I had a seizure or something. My brain couldn’t take that much information in at one time. I’ve struggled getting back into the groove of working, as well as working in a completely new field. It brings back horrible nightmares about the time I worked for the lawyer, but that’s another story from another time. Let’s just say I worry daily about not doing the best job I can and messing lots of important stuff up. It’s a self-esteem issue, we all got em, don’t act like you don’t.
Anyway, working again has also had this strange effect on me again. I have once again become more methodical in how I do things. Maybe not methodical, but efficiently, quickly. Get from point A to point B, in the fastest way possible. A milestone hit me tonight and I didn’t realize it at first. I was shopping in a store for my niece’s birthday present (methodically or efficiently of course) and I happened to turn around and see my ex in one of the baby aisles (with his new wife and baby, I presume. I didn’t look that closely). He said hi, I said, “Hey, how’s it going?” and then promptly turned around and walked away. This is HUGE for me because just months ago I would have had an antagonizing argument with myself in my head, probably hemmed and hawed around talking or whatever, and left feeling like pond scum. How easy was it for me, in mere seconds, say to myself, “Huh, whatever…” Maybe not even that. Maybe it was just like I had run into someone I once knew and you nod in acknowledgement and move on.
I questioned whether my reaction had more to do with the fact that he just doesn’t affect me any longer, or if working has once again instilled the, “get from point A to point B as quickly and efficiently as possible” effect, and quite frankly, he doesn’t fit into the formula that gets me to my destination quickest any longer. Not that he would get me there quicker, just that I don’t have the time to stand around and lament about what it is I think was so great about what I lost.
A realization: he no longer affects me. I mean, he does when it comes to the girls, because I want whats best for them and I want them to be loved and appreciated for who they are, not who they are expected to be. But to the extent of me being who I am now? No longer does he affect me. In the wake of everything I went through, I was torn down to a shell of the bare minimum of myself. And while I may not be completely whole yet, I’m being rebuilt day by day. And when I’m done, I will be a completely different person. Maybe not to those who know me or those who have followed along on this fucked up trip of mine, but there will be a striking difference to those who drift in and out of my life at will. Because now, I will never let them see the real me again. I will only let them see what I want them to see. The one who is moving on with her life despite them.