Today is my birthday. As I’ve grown older I’ve begun to have a more difficult time with my birthday, and my age. I generally can’t remember my age unless it ends with a “0” or a “5” which becomes very confusing in those years in between. I use to work with a friend who was the same age as me so I could always run down the hall and ask her how old we were, but now I’m just kind of left wondering… I guess I could do the math, but I’m not really good at math.
I tend to have younger friends as well, so I get the brunt of the “old” jokes which didn’t use to bother me, but now it’s beginning to wear on me. My ex and his brother were always the worst about teasing me, I guess I should find comfort in the fact that I don’t have to put up with that anymore.
Birthdays just don’t hold the same magic they use to for me. Maybe it’s because I use to believe that “this would be a big year” or that something really spectacular would happen on my birthday, but after so many years of them coming and going I’ve begun to realize that it’s just another day. And really, why celebrate? I didn’t do anything spectacular, short of surviving another year. Congratulate my parent’s if anyone, they’re the ones who have had to put up with me all of these years!
I guess I’ve had high hopes for so long that now the general let down just leaves me cold. It seems to be that any holiday tends to leave me cold anymore. The girls love my birthday and have made a big deal out of it, but seeing it through their eyes is just a little sad to me. They have such high hopes. I try to enjoy the little things they do for me, and I love them for it, but I guess I’m searching for more… of what I’m not sure, but something…
Now we are coming upon Thanksgiving and Christmastime and I can already feel myself tensing up. Lainey has begun to ask when we can decorate and I just can’t find it in myself to organize it all. I wasn’t even planning on putting up a tree in the basement, but they have made such a big deal out of it that now I feel it necessary. It use to be so much easier when there was someone to share it all with. Those years of “making memories” were so important to me and I would always feel a little warmer in my heart looking forward to all of the things we use to do together. Cutting down the tree, decorating it, decorating the outside of the house, being with family… I am hopeful that in the years ahead it will get easier again, but until then I will “put on my happy face” and do the best I can for my girls. They are the ones it’s all really about anyway 🙂
So now I’m done with my whining and boo-hooing, and I will go get Ella from pre-school and take her to McDonald’s for lunch, because I know that’s where she would want to go. And I will enjoy the rest of my day….