This is not for the faint at heart….or those who can’t tolerate someone peeing their pants…

So I thought I might write about my first day of substitute teaching, but it was fairly uneventful and all went well.  Lucky for me, it’s the girl’s weekend at their dad’s, so this means another fun weekend with my friend Trisha and her family.

I’m going to disclose some pretty embarrassing shit that went down this evening, so take heed when reading this.  And don’t judge me…

Trisha and I planned on going to see Breaking Dawn Part 1 tonight so after dropping the girls off I headed over to her house, where much to her dismay her child dazzled me with his mad math skills.  She told him it was called “humility” and he should learn it.  This coming from the girl who constantly insists she’s right, even when she’s wrong (and yes, she would say she’s always right and so why shouldn’t she point out the obvious…).  Anyhow, after dinner we were sitting watching TV with JR and the boys and the youngest starts shaking this little side table they have like a madman gone berserk.  I started laughing, and then he started actually MOVING it across the floor.  Meanwhile, Trisha is telling me not to laugh at him because it only encourages it, which makes me laugh harder, but with me trying to hide my face…

For those of you who know me, when I get going laughing it becomes a “Dom Deluise” type of laugh where I start wheezing air out my throat, followed by an intense, uncontrollable cough. What happened next is in no way pretty, but when you have had two children things start to go awry … and I peed my pants.  This is like T – 20 minutes to movie time mind you.  I’m all like, “I just peed my pants!” and Trisha is all like, “That is something I don’t want to know about, so stop telling me !” Now I didn’t tell her until after we were on our way home from the movie, but I actually got a “wet spot” on my jeans from that one… Yes, JR, I had a wet spot, and I sat on your couch… (Don’t worry, I’m sure I will be cleaning it tomorrow…)

So we go to see the movie, all well and good. As we are pulling out of the parking lot Trisha starts bitching at me because she couldn’t find something and proceeds to call me a TWAT.

“God, you twat!”

SERIOUSLY???? Who even says that anymore? Call me a p*ssy, the “c” word, whatever, but TWAT? Really, and she gives ME a hard time…

THEN… we start talking about my P.E. sub job today.

She asked me if I wore the obligatory wind breaker pants and I replied, “NO, I wore my khakis!” She asked if I wore my polo shirt tucked in to them and I responded, “No, I wore this…” I was wearing a long sleeve shirt with my St. Jude sweatshirt over the top.

Now, here I am thinking I did all great wearing nice khakis, but no, she gets all pissy* and starts yelling at me because I didn’t dress up for my first sub position!

“You wore a HOODIE to your first sub job???”

” IT WAS P.E.!!!!!! The other sub came in her spandex pants for crying out loud!”

She replied, “Oh, and she has a full-time job does she?”

I said, “No I’m pretty sure she’s retired…”

“And so she has a full-time job?”

Crap, I believe I can’t win with that girl… It’s like trying to win your parents love and respect, and no matter what you do you’re wrong.

“And what did you wear? Your tennis shoes?”


“Oh my God…”


“I don’t care, you should have dressed nicely!”

“What? So you’re telling me I should have gone dressed to the nines in my high heels? What if I wanted to join in and be an interactive teacher. You know, run with them and shit?”

“Did you?”


She didn’t say it, but it was implied, “I rest my case”.

I guess I’ll know if she’s right if I never get called back to sub there…

So then that’s when we started talking about the “wet spot” and SHE started laughing uncontrollably.  She insists that I have a SERIOUS problem because she has two children as well and NEVER has that problem… Well, you have other problems my friend, but I’m nice so I won’t air your dirty laundry here. But I know you know I know, so there.

We decided NOT to tell JR and let him read it here… Sorry! But no one knows of my “Dom Deluise” laugh better than JR… seriously… It’s like a past time of his to make fun of me about it… So, really, he should have expected it…

PS * (hmm, funny, spell check doesn’t recognize this word, put gives me “pussy” as one of the possible choices. Weird, yet interesting fact…)

PSS – Next time I sub in P.E. I’m wearing my wind breaker pants, a button down blouse, and high heals, with my pearls… How you like them apples?

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