I love the line from the old movie As Good As It Gets where Melvin is in the psychiatrist office and says to a room full of depressed patients, “What if this is as good as it gets”? I totally get what he is saying, and the irony that he’s saying it to a roomful of people who are there for that exact reason.
I have to laugh because these past few weeks that is exactly how I have been feeling. I’m taking a career development course currently and this past week was focused on self-assessment. This has been an especially difficult area for me lately, because I can’t quite discern who I have always been, or who I currently am. Whatever I come up with doesn’t seem to be good enough for me, possible because I know I haven’t been at my best this past year, but also because I worry that maybe I haven’t been at my best for quite a while… like maybe in a REEEEEALLY long time… um, or maybe, like never.
I had an interesting meeting with my psych today, and we were talking when I confessed I really could remember a lot about my life pre-divorce. She seemed quite taken aback by this and questioned me further. She wondered if I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it because it would be too painful. I admit, it WOULD be painful, but I don’t really think that’s the real reason why. Or maybe it is. It seems irrelevant at this point to think back and remember the good times and love and security I felt, because honestly, in the end, it was all just a lie. It was all in my own head and I owned the love, laughter, and comfort of it all – all on my own. No one else, save the girls, were really feeling and experiencing the same things I was. Why waste my time remembering something I loved and cherished above all else, that will forever be untrue?
My psych says that I am held up by the anger and bitterness I am still feeling, from everything. The divorce. My lost job. I don’t really think I feel angry however, bitterness, maybe. But it’s not a whole-hearted anger or bitterness. I’m impassive about it all. I could really care less honestly. I have learned the ways of the world, and the one thing I can be certain of is I will never again be caught off guard by other people. It IS sad that I won’t ever trust anyone quite the same again. It’s sad when you lose the reckless abandon of trusting and naivety that some people never lose and others lose so easily. I was naive, and I am an idealist. I will learn to hold myself to the standards of my ideals and never expect anyone else to hold themselves to those. But I will be true to myself.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the now that we can’t see past our own noses. I’d like to think that’s where I have been all of this time, caught up in the “now”. But now it’s time for me to begin looking to the future, not only for my girls, but for myself also. I am going to start living for me, and not others. Because honestly, in the end, ourselves are all we have when you get down to it. My strongest suspicion is that I will never choose marriage, or maybe any type of relationship again. But that’s ok, because I know that whatever “good” I make for myself will be what I “get” in the end. And by God, IT WILL BE GRAND…