I have mentioned before that there was a period in my divorce when I lost all rationality and concept of reality. Well, I’m going through another mini-bout of loss of reality, or maybe it hadn’t ever really come back, and now it is. Either way, I’m having trouble discerning reality of my self-image as of late. Following the “shock and awe” of Trisha’s nazi-like enforcement of my job search and motivation I am left analyzing my personality in a, probably not new, but present way.
In times like this I automatically go to the most negative, lowest thoughts of myself possible, and then I do what I always do and ask my go-to person (Trisha) if it’s accurate. According to her assessment, I’m not a “loser” or “f-ed up”, I just went through something really huge and life altering, which other people totally get, but now it’s time got get “back on the horse”, so to speak. It doesn’t matter what I do (although she did say that she didn’t think subbing was going to “pay the bills”), as long as it’s something.
I know this is true, but I am a comfort seeking person, and I naturally gravitate towards what is routine and comfortable. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s repetitive and familiar. I have, unbeknownst to me, fallen into the “routine” of doing nothing. Maybe it’s the depression taking me over, maybe it’s because I live with my parents and I can share some of my burden with them..whatever it is my motivation is gone and I have begun to find comfort in the day in and day out act of doing nothing. This bothers me. I have never thought of myself as a do-nothing type of person, (but then that self-deprecating doubt comes back into my mind and makes me think, “Well, maybe I always HAVE always been that type of person…”).
The thing about it IS, is I don’t know how to go about motivating myself to get up each day and do SOMETHING. Maybe the trick of it is not to think about the big picture, but to just take it one day at a time, step-by-step. I don’t really know where I’m going, and I don’t have a plan. This is the next big problem I’m facing. I always have a plan, or I am so fly off the handle freaking excited about something that I don’t think I just GO.
Nonetheless, in the days ahead people will begin to see me slowly emerging out of my cave, and hopefully, back into life. I hope I’m not actually “that girl” who is bound to be forever going in circles, but the only way to find out is to go out there and do something about it. Wish me luck…