Throwing salt in an old wound isn’t as bad as they make it out to be…

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Nice weekend to be had by all, and BONUS! extra day included in the fun-filled package tomorrow!  Ella’s birthday is still intact as baby wasn’t born until Saturday night. Whew.  Although Lainey is annoyingly excited, Ella is the more realistic and level-headed about it all.  Needless to say she’s not thrilled to no longer be the baby. (Although I told her tonight she will always be MY baby, awwww!)

So yes, I afore-mentioned this was a nice weekend.  Nice, but WEIRD.  And by the way, can I say that I am thrilled beyond words to not be involved in the craziness that probably ensued at the hospital this weekend.  I do not envy the girl’s step-mom in any way, shape, or form and while many may have wished her ill-will in no personal way what-so-ever, I would not wish delivery pain and difficulties on anyone, because, hey, that’s just crossing the cruelty line people.

I was thinking a lot this weekend, dangerous I know, besides the fact that I haven’t taken my meds in a couple of days (because I have no health insurance, thus drugs are VERY expensive…) and I came to the conclusion that throwing salt in old wounds isn’t quite as bad as it’s thought to be.

If you haven’t figured out by now, my ex-husband just had his first child with his second wife.  (I was a starter wife, yeah.) This brings life to an entirely new level, with new thoughts, and new routine, and if you know me, I dislike anything new, unless it’s a killer pair of shoes. I know I mentioned a few posts ago that I really wasn’t bothered by all of this, but honestly it has bothered me a tiny bit.  I have found it has affected several people on some level or another.  It brings up all of those old bad memories, which are very difficult for me because I did enjoy and love my previous life so much.  Haha, previous life, like I was re-incarnated or something. I made myself giggle.

Anyway, you can’t help the crazy from creeping back into your head and trying to draw you back into the dark abyss. Thinking about his family, who went, what did they all think, are they all excited? What about MY kids? Where do they stand now? How is this going to change things? And I know, Tuesday or Wednesday, when things get back to normal, I will again realize that it doesn’t all matter, not to me anyway.  Backwardsland cannot touch me if I don’t allow it. I have my own little piece of crazy right here, and I don’t need anyone else’s to f*** my crazy up.

But I can’t help thinking back to having our first child together, and then our second, and I wonder where this new birth fit. Was it in between? God help her if it was worst than the first! Was it better than the second? It is very hard to judge reality when you lived one-fifth of your life with a chronic liar and believed every moment of it up until the point he told you it was all a lie.

When I had Lainey, I was in labor all night at home and when he woke in the morning after sleeping on the couch, he took a shower and was getting ready for work.  While he was in the shower, I had to dial 911 because I began “pushing”. After the ambulance got me to the hospital and they got me to labor and delivery, he came sauntering in and sat down on the couch. He had  NO CLUE I was in labor until he heard the nurse say to the doctor on the phone, “You have to be here NOW, because she’s going to have this baby!” About an hour after Lainey was born, he was out the door and back to work.  Little did I know at this time he was having his first affair. I thought those first months of Lainey’s life were the worst and best of it all.  I loved having her, but my marriage was in shambles and I was to blame for being too “narcasistic”. Definition: When you’ve been on bed rest for three months, home alone the majority of the time, and then left to care for your first child alone,  that makes you a narcissist.

This is why I have difficulty today with him having this new baby.  When we had our first he wasn’t really interested. And yeah, I guess my feelings are a little hurt because of what my daughter may have missed and what she will watch this new daughter enjoy from her father.  Don’t misread what I’m saying, he is a good dad, and he loves his kids, but I don’t think he loved what was entailed with raising kids with me. I truly hope this time it is much better for him for my girls’ sake. But, it is so hard to watch someone you loved fall so easily into a new life, when there was a perfectly good one right in front of them. And it is hardest for those that were left behind. But we will survive AND thrive, because of it, and in the end, it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would 😉 …

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