First I would like to apologize for, well… me being me. Candy grams and all things related suck. There is no better way to say it. Unfortunately you are me, reincarnated. This means that for the rest of your life you are destined to always want to be the smart, pretty, good at everything girl that everyone likes and admires. The one that everyone wants to talk to and be best friends with. But unfortunately, that’s not us. It’s not that people DON’T like us. It’s just that we aren’t noticeable. We’re invisible. We’re not the first one people think of when they want a friend, or someone to send a candy gram to… We will never be the popular girl, or the girl that all of the boys like. Don’t even get me started on boys, because I’m not really looking forward to that phase of your life. I have no idea how to navigate it, or even explain to you when some boy breaks your heart.
In some ways I feel as if I have already failed you because of how I handled what happened with your dad. I think maybe you took away something that I didn’t really intend for you to take away from how I dealt with all of that. My intention was to show you and your sister that life goes on, even though you struggle you keep doing what you can do, and hope for a better future. What your dad did was your dad’s choice. I don’t know if I could have done anything differently, anything to prevent it, but most likely it was because I was just me. Little old, dependable, do anything for everyone else me. And I became irrelevant. Someone to “handle” and then move on to real life without.
But I have learned to enjoy my life, and the good friends I do have. I do regret that you don’t yet have a best friend, like I did all through my school years. But life was different then. There were only twelve kids in my class. Small compared to the three sections of 30 kids each you deal with every day. It’s much harder to create bonds with so many kids. But I have hope for you still. Even if not, I know that you will learn to be comfortable with yourself. I will continue to try to be a better role model for you, because I don’t want you to have a “woe-is-me” outlook on life, thinking everyone is against you. Really they aren’t. It’s just we aren’t memorable, we just are. But please remember, you are memorable to me, and you are a great person, and I love you no matter what.
Quite a few things have changed in my life again. I am currently not working, again, and have changed my mind, yet again, about being a teacher. So now I am applying for any job I can find in a school, minus crossing guard and lunch lady, but only because I don’t want to be Billy Madison’s stigma of a sloppy joe slinging lunch lady…
Anyway, I’ve been trying to find a nice medium between being a completely boring and unsure party and an over zealous, turret enthused psycho in my interviews as of late. I had an awesome interview with a nice principal today who started off by saying there were no “right answers”, we were just going to have a conversation, if you will, and determine if I am the best fit for the job, and the job is the best fit for me. It seemed quite refreshing to me at the time, then the conversation began.
He began explaining the position, RTi experience, technology, keeping data records, AIMS Web testing etc. all of which I am well versed in. The problem is I can’t find a happy medium between enthusiasm and confidence and looking a wee bit too crazy. At several points I wanted to be like Brick Tamland and scream out, “I love lamp” or “LOUD NOISES!” because we were talking about things that I was good at, wanted to get more experience in, and I would actually have confidence in doing.
Principal: This position would require the candidate to have extensive computer skills with experience in AIMS Web testing and…
Me: Computers! I love computers! That’s ME! I can do that, I have experience, I’m SO super psyched right now!!!
Principal: Um, ok. Well this position would be working with small groups, collaborating with teachers, and ….
Me: Oh My God. I LOVE working with other teachers and with kids in small groups. I’m gonna pee my pants!
Principal: Yes, well, anyway, you would be required to work with tier II students and assess them bi-weekly, keeping track of the data and …
Principal: Wow, ok. So, what do you know about math?
Me: LOVE IT!!!! I sit around all day working on math problems and then when my daughter gets home I work with her on her math, even if there isn’t any homework in math that night. She loves it, I mean I love it, WE ALL LOVE IT!!!!
Principal: You must really love math…
Me: I LOVE MATH!
This isn’t really how the interview went, but in my head this was the only way I could think of conveying my interest and how well I felt I could fit into this position, aside for the “Yes, exactly, and frantic head bobbing I know I do when I’m interviewing for a position I know I would excel at.
Truth is I suck at interviews. Give me the job description, tell me to plan out how I would execute said job, and then present it while having an in depth discussion about said methods and I can knock your pants off. Give me something to explore and research and I can talk semantics all day. I can PROVE I could do this job, but talking my self up and explaining my strong points, well, it’s just not my strong suit. Ask me how I would do something (that I’m knowledgable about) and I’m your girl. That’s always what I want to say, “Look no further, I’m your girl.” But, alas, it doesn’t work that way. So instead, I fumble through answers, because it’s been about a year – year and a half since I’ve been in the classroom, and let’s be honest, my last year in the classroom I was pretty incoherent and honestly my memory is pretty shot since I don’t recall much of my life pre-situation. But one can hope for the best, and if they keep calling, I’ll keep interviewing…. maybe not Brick Tamland style, but I’ll give it my best…
This week has been incredibly insane judging by the fact that I should have been writing this post three days ago, but am just getting to it now… Lainey found a stray cat last week and insisted we keep it. Oddly enough, despite my cat whispering abilities I told her no, I just couldn’t bring myself to handle that much added responsibility. Beside the fact that my cat whispering abilities told me that the cat was extremely ill, and probably only had days to live… Even Ella said, “that cat is going to puke and die.”
Every time I went out for a smoke I felt as if it were judging me, all coughing and gagging, like my smoking was causing it to hack up a lung. It was so uncomfortable I just gave up, until Trisha came over and started freaking out when it started in on its hacking again.
Lucky for me my dad was feeling charitable this weekend and while the girls where with their dad he took it down to the pound to be put out of its misery, hopefully. I know it’s harsh, but I’ve been through enough feline leukemia to know when to recognize it, and it was staring me down this weekend.
Ella was sick on Sunday. Seemed a bit odd, just a fever, headache and extreme narcolepsy. No, not really, but for the child that refuses naps daily, it seemed a bit odd to me. I stayed home with her on Monday (after having to explain to Lainey what happened to “her cat”, can we say awkward?) Anyway after running the gambit on maladies for Ella I finally got her into the doctor, to find she had…drumroll please….strep throat for like the hundredth time this year. I mean seriously the girl uses the stickers from the doctor like badges of honor… 15 in all, she’s so proud…. Finally I said to the doctor, “this is getting a little ridiculous, I mean we like you and all, but I see you more than I do my best friend.” Result? Tonsils out. Peace.
Back to the cat story, Lainey has now been hounding me all week for a kitten. Her dad said we could have one from their farm and I had agreed, but then changed my mind. I think I have commitment issues, I mean that’s a lot of responsibility I’ve had like 500 times in my life. I only had a husband once, and I ow I’m never going there again, so why would I want to try something ONE more time, like its going to change? Call me a glutton….or stupid, whichever… It’s not like its a husband or something…. Really, I mean please…
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I allow my emotions to be affected by other people. After I had my first child (the FIRST time my ex had cheated on me…but I had no idea, my bad…) my then husband and I landed in counseling because he believed I was “narcissistic” due to the fact that I always felt it was my fault if he was angry, upset, sad, indifferent, etc. I can see how that would be a problem, and it isn’t normal, per se, to feel like other people’s moods are your “fault”, but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to classify myself narcissistic because of THAT, some other reason maybe, but not that…
Anyway, that’s something that has stuck with me for years, even after we were done with counselling and everything was “OK” (and I say that in the most sarcastic sense of the word…). It always bothered me, and I always had a difficult time keeping those lines of thought in check. I had to become cleaver at deciphering what could be bothering him, especially when he didn’t tell me why (probably because he had a fight or something with his girlfriend, or was having a hard time thinking up a new “excuse” or… oh, sorry, was I rambling? My bad.)
This is something I still do today. I mean I can fall into a depressive stupor faster than you can say, schmurgity schmurgin beause I project someone else’s mood back onto myself. It’s unhealthy really. Maybe I am paranoid, THAT might be a better description of it, but I have begun to realize how CRAZY this is, let alone how CRAZY it makes me feel. Do you know how tiring it is to walk around always thinking that you have done something to “upset” someone’s mood? VERY. It’s so closely related to that red eyed monster that constantly makes you wonder what other people are thinking about you, judging you, or saying behind your back.
Take for instance my “old life”… when I went through all of that crap I went through, I can honestly say I wasn’t myself. I mean, I WAS myself, but the worst possible, crazy, wacked out, out of control version of myself possible. And you know what? I have forgiven myself. I have seen many other people go through similar situations, and I can honestly say I don’t blame myself one bit. Could I have handled myself differently? Could I have been more mature, more of a grown up, more controlled? Sure. But that isn’t me. I just don’t function that way. Not everyone reacts the same way to the same situations.
During that time, I had someone tell me they could read my emotions like a book, and one day they saw me walk down the hall with a sour look on my face. Really? Do people have to walk around happy go lucky all of the time? Do you KNOW how many times I have seen a disappointed, sour, disgusted look on a teachers face? I DID go through 13+ years of school, then worked 10+ years in various schools. It was daily people. DAILY. Maybe I had gas, or saw a bat in the hall for God sakes (YES that happened once), or cockroach! My daughter, who went to the same school may have done something to piss me off. Really? It could have been any number of things, and really, I didn’t see too many of the other teachers skipping down the halls with flowers and friendship bracelets to hand out. (Maybe one, but that was normal for her….not the rest of us…). I would actually walk around thinking, “How do they think I look now? Am I too sad? Too happy? Will my face ever stop hurting from smiling too much? Do they have hidden cameras in my house? Can I EVER be myself again???
The point is, there are many people out there that wear their emotions clearly for people to see. Some people are so conscientious they don’t even seem to HAVE emotions. Even more people tense up when faced with stress and look like they are walking around with a turd caught sideways. Some people get really nervous and start to act like an idiot, or say stupid things because of anxiety. Most of these I do on a regular basis. At that point and time my entire life had deflated in one small moment, so pardon me if I wasn’t all smiles and kitten farts for you.
My solution to this conundrum may sound really crazy to you, but you know what I do now? I avoid people. Seriously. Some people may honestly be my friends, and really like me, and in all reality it’s not them, it’s my perception of myself projected onto them, but it just gets tiring after a while. It’s what brings me down. I can’t take that kind of pressure. So I joke around and smile with those that can take me for what I am at the moment, and try to act like everything else around me doesn’t exist. And eventually it all falls back to the normal routine and I can function normally again, until the next bout of crazies come back, but this is my new coping mechanism.
The moral of the story is this: if you haven’t seen me around or talked to me in a while, it may be because my crazy side thinks you think something not nice about me, or find me weird, or socially unacceptable, or annoying etc. On the other hand, it couldjust be that one of us is just really busy, or we work, or don’t live in the same town…
Bottom line: I’ll see you when things aren’t so busy, or when the crazies go back where they came from. It’s not you, it’s me
So, I actually had to look back at my posts from last September, but yes, yes this has happened before… My children have reached the bottom of the murky caldron of complete and utter insanity just from a simple little thing like having to go back to school. If it were just the going back to school it might be alright, but when you add visitations, swim lessons, birthdays, choir practice and so much more into the mix… it really makes the murky caldron all that much worse.
Hence, a return to conformity and routine is making a comeback in our house this week. There is SO much less television it’s almost hilarious… Their father is the food nazi, I am now the TV nazi. You want to watch TV? No TV for you!
I just want to loud noises to stop in all honesty. So instead of doing my homework assignment last night, here is what I did instead. Turns out it just has to be in paper form for them to think it’s written in stone. Guess I’m going to have to start sending memos… Yeah, did you get that memo?
Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs and articles from women who have gotten divorced in the past couple of years, and I have to tell you, I’m a little bummed out. All of these women are talking about how two years out of it they feel so free and amazing and great, and I don’t particularly. Not trying to sound bitter or spoiled, I have learned to actually like life again, it’s just not all rockets and single-hood awesomeness. Let’s face it, I’m still living in my parent’s basement with my two children, I do have a job, so that’s a plus, but some days I feel like I’m working in an office that speaks a foreign language, I have no money, and spend it like, well, not as bad as I use to, but there is still vast room for improvement.
I’m not sure if it’s just my personality working against me, or my perpetual depression, but I can get really excited in the short run about life, but after a while the sparkle wears off and I’m right back wondering what the point is again.
I’m still rooting for me though. A few months back, I said to my family, “Don’t you always just want to root for the underdog?”, to which my mom replied, “No, no not really.”
Well that kind of burst my bubble a bit, but I still haven’t changed my personal view. I think we should root for the underdog. Maybe it’s the Cub fan in me, but I still believe that an underdog can succeed because someone does root for them. All it takes is a little belief from others and big stuff can happen, probably, I mean maybe, or not in my lifetime, but eventually, right? (Because now I’m thinking in terms of the good ole’ Cubbies…and I have to be realistic, it might not ever happen in my lifetime, but maybe my kid’s lifetime?)
Anyway, I think we are supposed to root for the underdog. Who are we to judge someone else? Why are they any less likely to succeed than the rest of us? Just because they are different? Or because life’s circumstances have dictated otherwise? Aren’t we all capable of something? Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Wow, that really puts it into perspective for me. Now I just have to find out what my genius is. And a little rooting for the underdog wouldn’t help either, so if you’re rooting, you could “like” this post. ;-)
Awkward… that’s how I would describe this. Like, forgetting a phone call or text from a friend, and then remembering, but not wanting to respond right away so you avoid it a bit longer, but then it becomes awkward because you’ve dismissed it so long and you’re afraid that your friend will be mad at you so you avoid it even more, and then one day you’re out and you run into said friend…. that’s what this is. Awkward.
I was on a roll for so long, writing about all of the crazy backwardslandness in my life, but now I’m at that impasse in my life when I’m standing on the precipice of figuring it all out,(well some of it anyway) and I don’t want to jinx it with my perpetual absurdness… Yes, as much as I would like to say that it’s actually everyone AROUND me that is perpetually absurd, I fully admit I am responsible for some of the absurdness… not ALL of it though. There are some pretty “backwards” people around you know.
I don’t even know who read this crap anyway… maybe no one, or just you stalkers who like to talk about that crazy girl who likes to rant and argue with herself on that so-called blog of hers, or my friends who want to roll their eyes at me and say, “You know…”. Or maybe a lot of you do, who knows. But, the original sole purpose of this blog was for me to write for myself, and maybe along the way, find other people who can bask with me in the perpetual absurdness of life. If not, then it was to be a therapeutic exercise to discover self realization, and that’s what I’m aiming to do here again. I’m going to write. Like at least two times a week, maybe just one, but nevertheless, I will write with more regularity so I can continue to “figure it all out” so to speak. If you would like to come along for the ride, I invite you whole-heartedly. Please, come to the table and share in the mutual absurdities of life, we will all be the better because of it. Or just realize we live around some f*cked up people, but hey, that’s entertaining too!
So until next time,
You know how you can be going along after a really bad spell in life, and be like “It’s going good, keep going, you’re great, you’re awesome, you can do this, whew, the worst part is over…” and then all of a sudden WHAM! Reality smacks you square in the face? It’s not even a horrible thing, just a minor change in your normal routine, or doing something stupid at work, or missing a couple of days of your meds. (What? I didn’t say that. That didn’t happen. I would NEVER do that. Well, maybe.)
All of a sudden everything seems horrible, and the smallest thing becomes the biggest thing in your head. Like messing up at work. You are probably harder on yourself than anyone else ever could be. You are dramatic and irrational in your head. (Yes, it’s only in your head, don’t make the crazies come out and set you straight.) You have yourself fired or leaving your job because you will NEVER be able to be good at it. Your children ignore you when you see them at a softball game after being away from you for a weekend. Your horrible, you should just give up now. You will never be able to save any money, or achieve any of your life goals. You’ll never get a house and you’ll be living at Shady Acres retirement home with your parents when you’re 50.
All the while you have five other people arguing with you in your head. Or not arguing, trying to “talk you off of the ledge” so to speak. It’s not really that bad, it was your first time doing that particular task, you’re bound to make some mistakes. Next week your routine will be back to the usual, it’s not like you’ll never see your friend again, or you’ll be stuck at home until you retire. Your kids are kids, get over it… Seriously, keep moving forward. It’s fine, it’s fine. And for God’s sake take your meds! Everyday!
Yeah, I don’t really know what that’s like either….er, yeah, I mean no, no I don’t know what that’s like…
It’s times like these when I begin to realize just how important medication is…
So, I’m doing really well lately. It’s pretty exciting. I LOVE my new job, it’s exciting and I’m learning new things all of the time, and I’m finding some of my self-worth again. I love the people I work with and am so thankful I took this leap of faith. I can honestly look back at that shadow of a girl I was and say goodbye. GOODBYE. But I’ve also realized that I can say goodbye to bitter feelings I have for those I was angry with for so long. Can I forgive them? Yes. I can honestly say I was a bitch to be around and not handling my shit well, but I don’t blame myself. It was some pretty messed up shit that only got crazier as time went on. But I realize I am not blameless in everything that happened. I could have handled things differently and I could have hidden my raw emotion a bit better. But then hindsight is always 20/20. I was in a toxic situation all around and am a better person today for getting out of it, whatever way I was removed…
That being said, I have to say I am beginning to dream dreams again. Pretty cool right? I still don’t want a man, because honestly they just complicate things and create more work for myself, and why would I need another one when I can do it all on my own and have everything I want in the process? (Don’t take your mind to the gutter…)
So I’m on this new goal kick. My new-found friend and employer is going to help me set some goals and actually meet them. My dad is totally psyched as he said himself, “I just want you to finish something…” He also likes this said new friend and employer of mine. I’m not sure whether to be offended or not, but I’m not letting him be a killjoy on my dreams. And yes, I fully intend to meet these goals, everything else be damned. Hahaha, maniacal laugh. Just kidding.
I just realized this all seems to make no sense as I am sitting here through this cantata practice of my child’s. I think we will all be estatic when it’s over, tomorrow. And I know, I know, “What’s a cantata?” a musical. That’s what it is. A musical. I’m done with your questioning … is it wrong that I’m having and imaginary conversation with you in my head right now? I think it’s because I have my friends voice in my head, which yes, is really my voice Trisha! Shut it. Geez I really should NOT be yelling at you right now because technically I’m having this argument myself. Sorry. How did this perfectly nice post turn into a tyrannical rant? Sorry peeps. The new me still comes with meds. Yay meds!
So some of you who follow me on a regular basis may remember a post I wrote months ago entitled, Irony is saying you don’t want to do something and then God calls and is all like oh yes you will. Well, just this week God once again peeked his little ol’ head back in, you know, just to remind me he IS still there…
Now, I really shouldn’t admit this, innocent as it is, but I’m going to, and then nobody is EVER going to mention it to me again. If you can’t follow this one rule, then stop reading right now….
Still here? (Mom, you’d better be long gone by now!!!!) Good.
So I stopped at the gas station Tuesday morning to fill up before I officially ran out of money, which I had some in my checking account, but probably not enough to cover filling it all of the way up. I had a check that I needed to deposit at lunch and so I figured I’d use one of my old tricks and write a check to fill it up and have the check in the bank by lunchtime.
Unfortunately, my worse nightmare came true, and the machine at the station wouldn’t take my check. I have to tell you, I think I may have shit myself a little bit because my mom was out-of-town at a workshop and the only other person I could have called would have been my dad and that would have been BAD. They ran it twice, but to no avail. My bank is on the other side of town, so it’s not like I could have run and deposited the check and then ran back (if they even would have let me do that, which I don’t think they do anymore). Anyway, the girl was like, “Don’t you have a debit card?” I said yes, but I explained my dilemma about needing to deposit the check and said I didn’t know if the card would run through. (In fact I was 100% sure it wouldn’t, because it never does.) I said she could try it, and what the hell?!?! It WORKED!!!! I was all like, “This is the BEST day of my entire life! I am so LUCKY!!!” The girl was all laughing at me and I left on cloud nine thinking, “God, ya had my back on that one, thanks! But really? That’s where you decide to pop your head in?”
I figured my support check or my refund on my school loans must have cleared my account early, but when I got to work and checked, there wasn’t even enough in there to cover the debit! THAT NEVER HAPPENS! Shit y’all, what the hell. It was God, like a nail in the coffin. He’s such a kidder. Really, of all the things, but really, thanks God, I owe ya one!